Good Girl

Be a good girl. Do as you’re told. Don’t make trouble, and don’t forget to look after your little brother and sister. Well-meaning parents, teachers, and society as a whole have spoken these words to their little ones, shaping generations of women in the process. Many of us who were once young girls learned, early on, that our worth is determined by our ability to please, be agreeable, and avoid causing anyone else discomfort. And now, decades later, the weight of those lessons can show up in ways that are difficult to recognize, and escape. 

From childhood, many women were (and still are) taught to believe that their value is tied to two things: their looks, and how well they can meet the needs of others. They are taught, explicitly as well as implicitly, that their worth depends on their ability to accommodate, care-take, and self-sacrifice. Of course, gendered societal pressures shape everyone, but for thousands of years the cultural script for women has said that their lovability lies in being liked rather than being authentic. This has only relatively recently started to change, or has it? Given recent shifts around women’s rights in my home country, I’m not so sure, but I digress…

Children who are raised to ‘be good’ often learn to prioritize external validation over internal agency, and they may struggle with self-worth, boundaries, and decision-making. For many, this conditioning begins before we can fully articulate our own needs, but it often ends up looking like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and chronic self-doubt.The fear of being perceived as ‘too needy’, ‘too emotional’, or just ‘too much’ can make it difficult for many of us to voice our needs, set boundaries, and insist on respect. Holding ourselves back isn’t always a conscious choice, it’s the result of both a societal expectation and subconscious programming which subtly shapes our behavior. 

There’s also an unspoken safety element to these learned behaviours because they can help us navigate real risks. Many women instinctively know that being too assertive, too outspoken, or too disagreeable can provoke unwanted consequences, including social exclusion, professional repercussions, or sometimes even physical danger. In some cases, being a 'good girl' is about self-protection. In the world of psychotherapy, being overly compliant isn’t just social conditioning - it’s a trauma response. Fight, flight, freeze… and FAWN. 

Despite this, the impulse to be good is not inherently damaging. Being considerate and empathetic are valuable traits, but when self-worth becomes dependent on meeting others’ expectations, it usually leads to self-neglect. Many women, who are shaped by years of constantly ensuring everyone else’s needs are met before their own, are finding themselves exhausted. And for what? The assurance that they are 'good' enough, likable enough, acceptable enough? The irony is…...feeling ‘enough’ comes from the Self, not from anyone else.   

Unlearning this conditioning and putting down the legacy burden we carry is not about rejecting kindness or connection. It’s about recognising that our own wants, needs, and desires are just as valid as anyone else’s. It’s about giving ourselves permission to exist without constantly masking, censoring, and softening to accommodate others. Of course, this applies to men, women, and everyone in between - we all deserve respect, recognition, and reciprocity in our relationships. 

That being said, I believe healing and breaking free from these ingrained patterns starts by becoming aware of them. Are you saying yes because you actually want to, or because you feel like you should? Do you apologize reflexively or feel overly sensitive to criticism and judgement from others? Do you hesitate to ask for what you need, or ask for help? Looking for these behaviors can help you notice if there are patterns of self-silencing. 

From there, small shifts can make a difference. Practice saying no without over-explaining. Allow discomfort when someone is disappointed or disagrees. Notice the instinct to minimize oneself and choose to take up space instead. These moments add up, reshaping how we engage with the world and how we see ourselves within it - as valuable and worthy human beings.

For those raised to be 'good girls,' stepping outside that role can feel unsettling. The guilt, the second-guessing, the urge to shrink back into compliance - it’s all part of the process, but there is freedom on the other side. The freedom to exist on one’s own terms, without the weight of everyone else’s expectations. The chance to be authentic in life, rather than “good”.